Sister’s Love - Love always, Sissy

My sister is my best friend, the yin to my yang, and the first love of my life.

    Although we are complete opposites, we couldn’t have been closer. That confuses a lot of people… especially our parents. One minute we’re arguing at the top of our lungs, talking about trading each other in for a different sister and the next minute, we’d be sitting in our room watching a movie like nothing ever happened with no apology and no explanation.But deep down, in our roots and in our DNA, we always knew the truth. We loved each other in a way that didn’t always have to be spoken. It was simply understood.In our dynamic, I’m the lover girl. I always want to spend time together, hug, say “I love you,” and talk through every feeling.

    My sister? She was tough on the outside. Not big on affection. A little avoidant when it came to emotions and while I have always been proud of every external accomplishment she’s ever achieved, I am most proud of her internal and emotional growth.I think she started understanding my softer side a little more after our “bonus dad” passed away. She began letting me rest my head on her shoulder. I even got the occasional “love you too.” And if you know her, you know that means everything.The last time I stood up here was for him. I was completely unprepared. I had written a bunch of bullet points thinking that would carry me through and of course, I fumbled. My sister came up to save me, but she couldn’t really help because all I had were bullet points. Looking back, that moment was perfect. It showed him that we would be okay and that we would still laugh, still figure it out together even on one of the hardest days of our lives.Then our dynamic changed  after I became pregnant soon there would be a mini me to add to the duo (spoiler she’s seems to be a mini her).

     At that point, we had been sharing a room for almost ten years. I didn’t tell her until I was about three and a half months along. When I finally did, her first response was, “Ew. You let someone touch you? That’s what you get and I knew you were getting fat for some reason.” And as she walked away to take a nap, she added, “I’m not changing any diapers.” Soon I moved out of our room at almost nine months pregnant and she said, “This is the best thing to come out of you being pregnant” and then she joked, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you had the baby on a day when I stayed home from school?”And sure enough, on Tuesday the 9th at 8 a.m., a day she “overslept “ and stayed home from school I woke her up and told her I was in labor. She looked at me and said, “Ew. And make sure you lock the door and that was my sister for you and after about 6 weeks, she held Honour for the first time and Honour had the biggest smile. And so did my sister( lucky for me I was able to catch a picture of it). In that moment, I saw a different side of her, a softer, warmer, more open side peeking out of her guarded exterior.There have been many things that shaped my sister’s growth. But I truly believe Honour changed something in her. She brought out a tenderness that was always there , just carefully guarded. Soon she started claiming Honour as her “kid” and saying I named her Adeya after Judea, which at the time, it was simply a name I had heard and loved because of its meaning “a gift from God.”

                 

     I had no idea that what felt like just a strong, beautiful name would one day carry so much more weight than just a name and soon it went from “I’m not changing diapers” to her constantly trying to wake Honour up from naps just to sit with her and feeding her with a bottle but she still never changed a diaper. Now that Honour began to understand her aunt’s banter, one day she told her “bye doodoo head” and the way my sister’s eyes lit up when she heard it is something I can’t even put into words. I’ve always believed they were twin spirits, but getting to see that connection in action has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. When she moved to Maryland with our dad it was a decision I fully supported, even when she questioned herself since we had never been more than a room away from each other, let alone across the country. While it hurt my clingy side more than I like to admit. I wanted her to experience more than just where we grew up. Somehow, the distance made us even closer.We called every chance we got. We talked about everything and nothing for hours so much that we barely even have text messages between us.

    Somewhere in those long conversations, she started telling me she loved me back after every call and maybe that seems small to some people. But for me, it meant everything because loving my sister has always been easy. Getting the chance to watch her grow, soften, and open up has been one of the greatest honors of my life. She may not have loved as loudly and shown it the way I do.But when she loves you, it’s  real. It’s deep. And it’s forever. Recently, I’ve received compliments on my strength and being such a good big sister. But as I stand here, my strength comes from gratitude that I got to experience a spirit so beautiful because God knew we had to be sisters because if we had to choose, we would never pick someone so opposite of ourselves to be friends and yet somehow, that is exactly what we needed.

    Now loving her now requires something different and none of us were prepared for her transition into becoming an angel. But even in that, I see someone who was meant for more than what this earth could offer. I won’t be able to call her. I won’t have her physically here and that requires me to adjust how I continue to love her. But what brings me the most comfort is knowing she completed everything I ever wanted for her. At her graduation party, my mom had us fill out those corny “What I wish for you” cards and I recently found in her stash of sentimental things, that she only kept mine. I wrote that I wanted her to see Hawaii and she did that this year. For her future, I wrote that I wanted her to stop being a buttwipe and simply do whatever she wanted, because I would always have her back; and I did, do that, and always will.

    As for the “big sister” title that’s something I haven’t really held for years. At some point, we stopped being big and little sisters and became just two sisters figuring life out together. The crown flipped back and forth more times than I can count. But that’s my sister, tough,protective,loyal, and loving in her own way. I will always be grateful that out of everyone in this world, she is mine. She may not have always said it or shown it the way I wanted; but I know we love each other with everything we have and I’m blessed enough to call her my sister ,my best friend, my person and that I’ve received one of God’s greatest gifts.

    Now, she is still my balance just in a different way, my mirror from a different place, and my forever just beyond where i can physically hold.Just because I don’t get to call her the way I used to or sit in a room with her and argue and then pretend nothing happened I get to carry her with me forever in the way I love, protect, and show up for the people we love. Her transition has changed our relationship, but it hasn’t ended it. It has just simply asked me to love her differently and I will for the rest of my life, I will love her loudly for both of us. I will tell stories about her and laugh in a way we always have and I will live in a way that makes her proud because being her sister was never just a title.It was one of the greatest honors of my life and as I’ve told her every chance I got she is the best sister in all the universes (i can feel her eyes rolling already) and no distance between us, not even heaven can change that.

Love always,

Sissy (Trinity White)